The Holidays Are Over

The holidays are over, things are quiet, the depression and anxiety that comes along with it for the depressed person have moved on. However, along with the settling and quietness can come an emptiness. Depression is a very complicated phenomena. On one hand, the dark cloud that seems to come over one during the holidays gives way to a new and different kind of depression. I speak as one whose depression is largely under control (most of the time), but if one has ever experienced that deep dark depression that totally engulfs you, it's not something you ever forget nor is it ever far from your mind. The question and fear is always there: "will it come back?, is this just a temporary reprieve? will I go there again?

 But, back to the post holiday state of mind. Again, I am speaking as one who is in a better state of mind, but I am in no way minimizing what others who are not are experiencing. Right now, I'm experiencing a "what is my life about?", "what am I supposed to be doing?" "surely I have more purpose than this".  I hate thinking about "me" all day. I think back to when I felt the most fulfilled. Of course when my children were all home I felt purpose and fulfillment. I felt useful and fulfilled when I was doing jail ministry. I felt purpose when I was leading Bible studies. Other times such as those, I felt I had a reason for being here. I realize that this empty feeling is just another level of depression but it is challenging when you're searching for your purpose and you just draw a blank.  Of course having a good marriage, beautiful grandchildren who bring me unmeasurable joy, and as I stated earlier, a relief from the black depression-these are all things I live for yet, "that's not it".


I know other sufferers of depression go through this same quandry. On one hand you WANT to do something useful, on the other hand, you just don't have the mental or physical energy to tackle anything very challenging. This in itself can cause depression and anxiety. One would think the quietness and lack of pressing responsibilities would bring peacefulness-it does not-at least not for me. I become quite anxious and worthless feeling; and frustrated because I can't quite put my finger on what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. Things that once brought me satisfaction and fulfillment, just don't anymore. I worked with children through church in the past-I couldn't do that now.I love children, it's just not "calling" to me anymore. A part time job?-not in the cards for me. As part of my condition, I have never been able to work outside the home. It brings such anxiety that I am totally incapacitated. I was able to finish one year of college but could go no farther.  My medical charts read "disabled" due to my inability to perform under any expectations of me. I am not however eligible for disability compensation, but, that's a whole different, and irrelevant story.

A person with depression is always "in their head". Checking what level of depression am I at, what can I do to prevent it getting worse, what can I do to  make it better, etc.  This is not a happy place to be-ever. It sounds as though one with these thoughts must be terribly selfish. That's not it. It simply has become a way of life and a coping mechanism to deal with the battle within our minds.

All of this sounds terribly depressing itself. I do not intend for it to be. I always try to be totally honest on this blog, hoping to reach out to those who suffer. I do believe however, that there are answers-we just have to look for them and in my case to hear what it is God is saying He has for me. Sometimes when He seems to be silent, I struggle with impatience and despair. Surely, I was put on this earth to do more than a few loads of laundry, cleaning the house, and some cooking (which by the way is something else I used to enjoy and now loathe). I try thinking myself of what "it" could be and come up with many possibilities all of which bring no spark at all.

So, I guess the answer for me right now is, waiting, listening, hoping. I believe what God calls me to, I will have a passion for-that's the way it's always been in the past. Whatever it was I was doing, it was not a chore-it was a joy. I pray that each one of you finds their passion and immerses themselves in it. We really weren't put on this earth to do nothing.
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