I've neglected my blog for quite a while. Partly because I am my own worst critic and after all, what's to be said that hasn't been said before? But then the subject came back up with a vengeance-yes a strong, overpowering, hopeless bout of depression. I'm not writing about it from the other side of the darkness but rather, right smack in the middle of it. Don't be fooled by the fact that I'm even able to write-I've spent the day in a hopeless gloom. I've done all the "right things" to pull out of if not sink lower into the pit of hell.
But as we speak, I literally, minutes ago spoke the words, "I want to die". Not that it's the first time I've uttered those scary ugly words. I've spoken them more times than I care to count. But right now, this very minute, that's where I'm at. I feel as though I can't face this one more time. And there's always the question, how long will it last or will it even go away.
Everything that normally interests me-I have zero enthusiasm. I don't care; it means nothing; why did it ever mean anything to me? This dark funnel cloud hovers over me, sucking everything good out of my brain and leaves destruction and emptiness in its place.
My eyes have emptied themselves of tears-all that's left is exhaustion , burning eyes and the usual lingering headache. I'm scared-oh I've been here many times before but, I've had short bouts then I've had months and years. What will this one be?
I wish this was one of those uplifting, "you'll make it" kind of blogs, but today I can't even tell myself I'll make it. Truthfully, I don't feel like I will, or can. Hopefully, I'm wrong-I'll suffer a few days , and then I'll go on with life. That is left to be seen.
