As always, my motives in publishing this blog is to inform, do away with the stigmas of mental illness, and to be transparent in my own experiences with depression. I suffer from panic/anxiety disorder, Bi-Polar, PTSD, and depression. Of course all of the above contribute to depression itself.
For me, today is one of Those days. Sometimes, in spite of medications (which by the way, I thank God for everyday) depression and anxiety just seem to override the medications. Whether it be circumstances or just nothing apparent at all, depression slips in like a thief to steal any joy, ambition, or motivation. I did have bad dreams last night and awoke in a funk from the beginning. Often I can "pull out" of it but today it just wasn't happening. Every task has been an effort to push through. Along with that comes guilt for feeling lazy and not getting enough done. Anger with myself is at the forefront along with anger for the causes of the depression.
When I'm "myself", I can reason that these things happen and they do pass, but in the midst of it all I can see is my failure to cope. I know intellectually much about depression but when it hits out of nowhere, my intellect goes by the wayside and I sink into the pit of despair.
This is in no way a "poor me" blog. It is simply me being honest about how depression affects and at times controls ones mind. All my faith is in Jesus Christ, yet this has often been used against me as just "not being right with God", living in the past, or just getting over it and being thankful for all I have. Just to inform those who like to throw those accusations out let me say-you have no idea what you're talking about. Thank God He does! He doesn't condemn me and He knows I have an illness just as one might have diabetes or any other physical ailment. Save your sanctimonious comments for someone with cancer-but oh my!!, that would never happen-that is a "legitimate" disease. Once again, you have no idea what you're talking about.
As a last thought to those who suffer and to myself as well, it will pass. Keep doing what you're doing. Be kind and merciful to yourself. You know you're not lazy-you're just sick today. Tomorrow will probably be better. If it's not better in a few days then I encourage you to contact your doctor-there may need to be some adjustments in medication in order.
With all love and understanding for those who suffer, Deb
